Sometimes, Even I Break
by FavoriteSeptember
Summary: Ziva's feelings about how everyone feels about her. Tiva. See what happens between Tony and Ziva in the elevator. One-Shot.


**Author's Note: **Not really much to say. It's Ziva's thoughts, pretty much. Hope you enjoy. Please R&R, it makes me happy. (:

* * *

><p>I am strong in the eyes of many, I am weak in the eyes of many. I do not have to try to be anything, not anymore. I have come to realize, whatever I need is always right here in front of me, right under my nose.<p>

I try not to let my feelings get the best of me as I always try to hide them. It is wrong to keep them bottled inside of me. I am insensitive for doing this, not only to others but to myself as well.

Eli, my father, he wanted me to portray something I am not. I am not a warrior, I am not a superhero, I am not anything along those lines. Eli wanted me to be perfect. Sorry to disappoint, but I am anything but perfect. No one is perfect.

Gibbs sees me as his equal, as his own upholder in the line of duty. He sees me as the protector of this so called family. I cannot protect everyone, I can only be myself.

Abby sees me as a sister, a sister who is not meant to be hurt. I do get hurt, I am not bulletproof. I cannot dodge a bullet, I cannot rip one from my body and it never hurt. I am not painless.

I try to not let these things get in my way of living, but they do. I do not let them show, I do not let others see through the walls that are built up around myself. I do not want them to climb over and comfort me. I do not need their pity or worry or sarcasm. I only want them to believe in who I really am.

McGee does not really see me as much of anything but perfect. He thinks I will never be hurt or misguided into crossfires. I get caught up, I always am at the wrong places at the wrong times.

They all know this, they've saw my broken self. Somalia proved to everyone that I am just human and mortal, that's all I will ever be. I cannot always pull myself up when I fall, I sometimes need help. I guess my exterior motive keeps everyone from knowing when I need help.

Vance thinks I am the eyes of my father. He thinks that he can control every move I make and I won't care. I am not Eli, I will not do everything anyone says. I am my own person, I continue to control my own life. Vance wants to run over me, just like Eli. I will prove them wrong.

Ducky promises everything will be okay over tea, he seems to always have the right choice of words when I need them. He's my advice giver, but I do not always take what he says. Sometimes, I think I should. Like with Vance, I am my own person. I do not want to be controlled. This is not Vance, though. This is Ducky and he means well. I am sure.

I will not leave anyone out of my life, I won't take anything for less. These people may not all mean well to me, but most do. I try to keep those close to my heart. They are the transition of my life; how they always keep me going, how they treat me like I belong with them. Even though I know I don't, they help me remember that maybe I do belong here with them.

I cry about him, about everything he does to me. He makes me wander why I even try to hang on, but I do. I know how dangerous that this can be, but I don't want to be left alone out in the world and he was always there for me. The thrill of getting caught always runs through my veins, it excites me in ways I never thought possible.

Tony. He's my lover, I know this from experience. Those chaste kisses we shared on the elevator when no one knew about, the unfulfilled sexual tension, the grab ass. I do not know why I have not saw it sooner. He was the first there in Somalia to get to me, I was surprised seeing him there.

I'd waited for days for a rescue, for months. No one in my knight-in-shinning-armor-story came to me. I stayed there being played by every means possible. It was not necessary for Saleem to do the things he did to me, but he done them. He told me it was all his plan.

I have to live with what he done; with the scars, with the guilt, with the pain. Saleem took part of my life away, but I have to deal. I never wanted to really talk about it with anyone. Maybe if I did, this would have went away. For now, it is alright, I suppose.

Then it all comes back on Tony.

He will never give up on me, I know it. He has said it before.

Words do not always hold the same meaning to me, but actions do. I know he has feelings for me, I have seen them. I know he will be there, his actions say it all.

And I hear his voice enter the Bull-Pen. It is everyday that he comes in reminiscing about movie quotes or something to deal with that, and even though I let on like it aggravates me, it gives me a warm feeling inside.

"So, the other night..." he trailed off. I looked at him and smiled, "you okay?"

I nodded, reassuring myself of the painful experience I have to overcome to be able to get close to me.

"I am fine, Tony."

"You sure look fine." His infamous DiNozzo grin cascaded across his face. "Want to go to dinner?"

It is night outside, I had not noticed. I just nod my head. "Sure."

Tony seems to always brighten my spirits when I am down, just like now. I think I can see myself with this man, but it will be awhile. He has yet to see what Saleem done to my body and to my heart.

"Let's go, my ninja princess."

I take his hand in mine, hoping to feel the usual spark when he takes me out to a dinner and back to his place for a movie. Instead, I get a spark and butterflies. Even I, get butterflies.

"I am your princess?"

He stops the elevator ride and it jolted into place.

"You will always be my princess, Ziva David." I feel a smile and a tear coming on, so I hide it. "I love you."

"I will say it back one day, you know."

He nodded in front of me. "I know."

I stand there, eyes closes, taking deep breaths. I am trying to control the emotions that threaten to want to show him what's wrong with me.

"Tony, I must show you something."

"Okay."

I lift my shirt fast, hoping for it to hurriedly be over with. I want to cry, because even I break. I want to scream, because I know that feeling all too well.

"Ziva, look at me."

I put my shirt down, looking into his eyes.

"You're always going to be beautiful in my eyes. It's your perfect skin. Every scar is a battle scar that shows how strong you are."

I do not know how I feel now, I cannot explain it. I have never felt this before, is it love? Actual love? I guess I will have to find out.

I lean up to kiss Tony.

"Thank you, Tony. I needed that."

I feel his hands wrap through my hair.

"You don't have to thank me for anything."

"I love you, Tony."

He smiles, because that is the first time I have said it to him.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>I know it's probably a little OOC, but we've all seen Ziva break. There isn't anything wrong with someone letting their walls down every once in a while. Thankies for reading. Please R&R!. Update coming soon for 'She's Not Superhuman.' I know this sorta has the same meaning, but I wanted to do a One-Shot in Ziva's thoughts.


End file.
